Leesha tries… forgiving herself

It’s about that time of year again…

The days are colder, the nights are longer and Instagram is littered with #SantaSelfies.

Every magazine I read is telling me how to take me outfit from desk to disco and yet all I want to do is take myself to bed.

It’s always a struggle to balance #LivingMyBestLife with the reality of living with depression and other illnesses, and the scales are even harder to balance during the Christmas season.

Cold weather and early nights wreak havoc on our immune systems and yet this is the time of year we are expected to don our sparkliest mini skirts and drink every other night.

It can be easy to feel pressure to have fun and social media doesn’t help. Now don’t get me wrong, I love me some Insta and Snapchat filters are fire, but it can be easy to feel like you aren’t living unless it’s online and on-point.

It’s been a particularly hard season for me. Before the Christmas holidays, I hadn’t taken time off work for 3 months. I became increasingly lethargic and was barely able to get through the work day, let alone think about socialising after.

All of our seasonal anxieties and neuroses are magnified tenfold at the ask of the question: “What are you doing for New Year’s?”

On Saturday 9th December, I woke up around midday, exhausted and unwell. Not a particularly revolutionary development, but that day I was less inclined to let myself rest. That week I, along with the rest of social media, saw abhorrent photos and videos of African refugees being treated as slaves. I was horrified that the nightmares of my ancestors were being repeated in my lifetime. It was time for my activism to become more active!

The least I could do was present myself at the march, but I was unwell. I spent the next hour trying in vain to work out the shortest amount of time I could be present and still make an impact. I thought I had cracked it, but I had to admit to myself that I was too unwell to attend.

It was hard to forgive myself.

Add to that countless missed Christmas drinks and dinners and its no wonder our mental states are temperamental at this time of the year (and no wonder it has taken me weeks to write this post!)

Of course, all of our anxieties and neuroses are magnified tenfold at the ask of the question: “What are you doing for New Year’s?”

If missing a Christmas party is the equivalent of a bad selfie, not being seen on NYE is the like posting a heartfelt tweet and getting zero likes…

In the timeless void between Christmas and New Year, we are meant to forget all our problems long enough to write a set of resolutions that will result in a #NewYearNewMe and plan the perfect NYE with every person we’ve ever met and orchestrate a uterus-tingling kiss with someone who doesn’t even know they are going to be the first thing we taste in the New Year.

All that is great, of course. But the reality is not everyone wants to, or is able to, ring in the year that way.

As a Christmas present to myself this year. I’ve decided to give myself acceptance and forgiveness.

Last year, I spent the countdown crying, struggling to process all that had happened to me. This year, I don’t want to get lit, but I will do what  makes me happy.

I’ll be giving my face a good beat, highlighting for the Lord and sitting in church with my family.

I hope whatever you WANT to do and whatever you CAN do this New Year, you do it with peace, love and happiness.

Thanks for reading my first few blogs! I still don’t know quite what this blog is about, but I hope you’ll stay with me and we can work it out together 🙂

God Bless x


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